Shinigami's Interview!
by Kitsune Freak
Summary: Once again, the title says all. I'm rating it T for safety. No serious pairings. Everything is meant for the humor. -Discontinued-
1. Ep 1 Ichigo!

K/F: New story peoples! And it's a Bleach one! Warning: People will be OOC.  
Grand-Disclaimer-Everyone-Should-Know: Me no own.

(Badger, Badger, Badger, Badger, Mushroom, Mushroom)

On a very billowy and sunny day, a _battered_ up Ferrari pulled up into the studio driveway. And out of it came our 'favorite' Quincy, Ishida Uryuu. Obviously something had disturbed our 'beloved' archer for he was unusually humming the infamous Barney song. When he finished the Barney song, he strode into the studio and started dancing to the song 'Zippity-Doo-Da!'. Luckily no one was there to compliment him on his mad dancing skillz. In minutes all the spotlights flashed, and Ishida was standing in the center of the large, large stage with a cheesy game show smile.

"Welcome to the **Shinigami Interview** with your host, Ishida Uryuu! With our first vict- I mean guest…Kurosaki Ichigo!"

Loud screams, cheers, applauding, and fainting came from the many fan girls in the crowd below. Ichigo then strode onto the stage with a very bewildered look on his face.

Pointing his finger accusingly at Ishida, he said, "I can't believe that you actually tricked me onto your show and- GASP! You have fan girls?"

"Oh, don't worry just sit down, sit down," Ishida said as he motioned towards the empty chairs on stage with a round table in the middle.

Shifting cautiously in the chair Ichigo commented, "Wow Ishida, I thought that the chairs here would be spiked but it's actually pretty comfy."

"How do I even put alcohol in your chair?"

"Shut up and get on with it."

Clearing his throat, Ishida questioned, "Is it true that you actually stalk Kuchiki-san?"

Folding his arms together he answered, "It's more of a question of who's stalking who here."

"Why?"

"BECAUSE SHE FREAKIN' LIVES IN MY CLOSET!" Ichigo screamed at the top of his lungs. Suddenly realizing what he said he went said to the camera and said, "Stop the tape!"

Brushing Ichigo aside, Ishida ordered, "Keep rolling."

Sighing heavily Ichigo tried a new tactic and pleaded to the camera AKA audience and whispered "Yuzu, Dad, Karin, please don't believe a word I'm saying, I was blackmailed to say this. There's no cute chick in my closet…"

"Ahem, okay, so next question. You are not interested in the latest fads and what not right?"

"If I did I would have dyed my hair black a long time ago."

"Yes, anyway, so then why do your regular jeans have slits at the knee like the other fad-loving teens of today?" Ishida inquired relentlessly.

"Why the heck are you even asking these irritating questions. Or more importantly, how the heck did you get this studio! You don't even have enough money for a cell phone!" Ichigo started crossly.

"Uh, you see, well, I told this kid that we're distant cousins and even gave him a blue cape! Aren't I generous?"

_FLASHBACK:_

_Ishida Uryuu wandered through the empty streets thinking of a way to get funding for his new idea of an interview show when he spotted a young emo boy wearing dark blue, with a forehead protector on his head. Recognizing his way-too-distant-to-be-really-related cousin he called out, "Hey kid, wait up!"_

"_What?" hissed the boy._

"_What's your name again? I forgot. It was…was…"_

"_Uchiha Sasuke. Why?"_

_Faking a look of remembrance Ishida said,"Oh yeah, you're my cousin!"_

"_And?"_

"_Well, I was wondering if you could fund this show I had in mind, you know, like cousins helping each other out and stuff."_

"_I'd do that why?"_

"_Well, if you do, then I'll give you this really special cape…" Ishida said while holding up a special blue cape and waved it temptingly at Sasuke's face._

"_Look, mister, I don't care for such, trivial objects," even though he turned away from the cape, a gleam in his eye said he wanted it._

"_Oh really, but I can give you unlimited copies of my show and throw in 2 more capes while I'm at it. We can just call this……helping cousins out. You know."_

_Taking one more glance at the cape he gave in, "Deal."_

_: END FLASHBACK_

"Wait, so you're telling me that you got funding from a kid!" Ichigo said still unconvinced.

"Yes, I now own this studio and am the show's host."

"If you're the host of this show… Then I'm straight," Ichigo stated flatly.

"Wait, you're gay?" asked Ishida with a disgusted look.

"No, I'm just saying that since you're this show's host, I'm straight. That's all."

"Oh… okay. Umm…back to the interview," Ishida cleared his throat, "What type of shampoo do you use to get such an interesting hair style?"

Pause.

"L'Oreal. Because I'm worth it," Ichigo said with a great big smile upon his face. Meanwhile in the middle of the audience a figure got up from the seat.

"Shut up Ichigo, you're not worth it! That's my shampoo you stole!" the figure said.

Wide-eyed, Ichigo lost his cool look, "R-Rukia?"

"Who else would it be, you big idiot!" Rukia screamed waving her fists about rather threateningly.

"Oh shoot. I meant for each of them coming in one at a time. This'll change everything," Ishida muttered to himself. Regaining his composure he continued, "So, Kuchiki-san, why don't you come up here too? I have a 2nd seat for you." He motioned to the camerawoman and the mic holder (also female) and spotlights flashed to reveal another chair. Rukia, having learned from watching Ichigo suffer, didn't move an inch.

"Come on Kuchiki-san, I'll give you a stuffed Chappy doll" Ishida snickered holding up the said item.

"Ch-Cha-Chappy?" Rukia said wide-eyed. However she stood her ground stiffly. But the waving of the stuffed animal was just too much. As if her body was going against her mind's orders she inched slowly towards the stage. Once on it she lunged for the doll but Ishida held it just out of reach.

"So will you sit up here and answer the questions and whatnot?"

"Must. Have. Chappy." Rukia whispered not tearing her eyes away from the doll.

"Promise?" Ishida asked, waving a hand in front of Rukia's face.

Knocked out of her trance Rukia looked up, "Huh? I'll promise if you give it to me."

"Deal."

Settling themselves in their respective chairs Ishida began to interrogate once again.

"Okay, so now that you're here. Umm, Kuchiki-san, why do you roost in Ichigo's closet?"

"Hey! What's your job here anyway? Prying in on people's issues!"

"Yes," Ishida nodded.

At that exact moment, the camerawoman nicknamed Aki nodded to Icki who then flashed a sign that said, '**BREAK TIME**'.

"Already?" Ishida asked and when he received a nod he continued, "Okay, so stay tune later for Shinigami Interview's next three special guests from the Hollow World, Ichimaru, Aizen, and Tousen!"

"Where do we go?" asked Ichigo, indicating himself and Rukia.

"See the whole empty front row there?" Ishida pointed to the enormous front row. "You guys just sit somewhere there. That area is designated for those already interviewed."

With that both Ichigo, and the Chappy-holding Rukia seated themselves in the center of the front row.

(Badger, Badger, Badger, Badger, Mushroom, Mushroom)

K/F: Ok, so normally, I specialize in humor so if this beginning episode isn't good enough then wait till you see the next. –rubs hands- I have something very wicked planned. R&R! I hope to get at least 5 reviews before Episode 2.

Come on, that button down there needs exercise! R&R!


	2. Ep 2 The Hollow Gang

K/F: Technically, I didn't want to post this until 5 reviews but since school is coming close, might as well. That will also imply that the episodes might be delayed a bit even though I know what I should write. And here we go with Episode 2! If you want, you can donate virtue cookies to keep me sugar high. (I thank you for the current cookies that I've got!) And I'll share some with my phone pal who gives me her advice on my ideas. And she'll probably feed it to her Taylie (dog).  
Grand Disclaimer: Nope. Nada. Zip! 

(Badger, Badger, Badger, Badger, Mushroom, Mushroom)

"Ah, chillin' on break time is rather refreshing isn't it?" Ishida commented sipping on his cup of iced tea.

"Yeah, whatever," Ichigo said resuming his nap.

"I'm happy that we got to go backstage!" Rukia remarked while playing with her Chappy.

Suddenly, Aki looked at her watch and said, "Hey Icki, we're going to be on air soon." Icki, responding to the info, rapped her hands on a wooden slate and held up a sign that read, "**WE'LL BE ON AIR IN 15 SEC**".

Even though she held up the sign so everyone could see they all ignored her grandly. Then Icki held up a sign that read, "**GET UR BUTTS 2 WORK IF U DON'T WANT AN AXE SWUNG YA!**" This sign got some reaction but not the correct one.

"Why? You don't even have an axe." Ichigo pointed out.

"**Do you want me 2 sick a bulldog at u?**" read the sign.

"Fine, but you can say it instead of writing you know." Ishida said.

"**I'm practicing miming okay?**"

"Mimes don't hold up signs," Ichigo pointed again, scratching his head.

"**FINE! THEN I'M PRACTICING SIGN HOLDING! NOW GET ON THE STUDIO FRONT! –insert glare-**" read Icki's sign, and yes she wrote 'insert glare'.

Interrupting before things got ugly, Aki calmed them somewhat and urged them in their correct places, "I'm sorry, normally Icki talks a lot and really loudly too, but I don't know why today she's holding up these cardboard signs"

Now that everything was much better Ishida grabbed his mic, and waited onstage for the guests to arrive and did the re-welcoming speech.

"And welcome back to **Shinigami's Interview **and we are now going to welcome…" as the drum roll sounded Ishida motioned to the left and two figures came along.

"Ichimaru of 3rd division and Aizen of 5th division!" once again, screams and clapping followed at the sight of the two captains. Settling themselves comfortably in their chair the questionnaire began.

"Alright now first off, Ichimaru, are you capable of opening your eyes?" Ishida asked.

"Whatcha talkin' about?" Ichimaru asked, with the ever present grin on his face.

"No I mean seriously, can you?"

"Of course I'm capable I am normal y'know?"

"Yeah right, show me." Ishida said.

"Fine," Ichimaru said. Slowly, very slowly, he opened his eyes…. And then they closed…. At that moment all the girls in the audience (save Rukia, who was staring at her Chappy) squealed and fainted. And the males (save Aizen), were frozen in their seats at the horrifying sight.

_**PLEASE STANDBY WE HAVE TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES.**_

"Oh please, ya guys are wimps," Ichimaru said when everyone had regained their consciousness and sanity.

"Well, ahem, that was rather stunning. And um, onto the next question, Aizen, what do you eat? No one has ever really seen you eating so can you clear up that little area?"

"It's a special diet, really." Aizen started, "I eat..."

"You eat?" Ishida beckoned.

Pause.

"Hollows."

"Wait, I thought you were a hollows' best friend."

"Sometimes, when I'm in my nice guy mood," Aizen commented with a cheesy smile.

"Right, now Ichimaru, have you ever eaten snakes before?"

"Eh? Not any that I'm aware of, why?" Ichimaru remarked scratching his head.

"Well, it's because that all my friends have been saying that you look rather snake-like so it was just an innocent question," Ishida smiled innocently.

"None of these questions appear too innocent. My tingly senses tell me something nasty's coming," Aizen thought silently.

"Okay, now Aizen, I had requested that Tousen was to come along with you. Where is he?"

"Tousen? Oh he's somewhere in Hueco Mundo. He tripped over a rock and being blind couldn't find us really. So we just…just…you know, Left him there."

_Meanwhile on a random road in Hueco Mundo:_

"Oh curses!" Tousen yelled at no one in particular. He hated being left behind, and this time he was supposed to get to be on that human thing called television too. Just like those to idiots for leaving him behind…hogging all the screen time to themselves.

"Just wait, I'll get you guys back at this when I, figure out where I am…Oh drat, I sense big blobs of hollows coming towards me." And he was right too. Hollows that had been attracted by all the angry yelling had come from far and wide to 'investigate'.

Poke, poke, poke.

"ARGH! Be off with you, Poke-monster!" Tousen yelled.

Poke, poke, pokity, poke, poke.

"That's it! You're asking for it!" Tousen said unleashing his own wave of pokes. Technically he was poking at space because he couldn't see much.

_: Back at the studio_

"I don't believe that you guys are that mean to be able to dump your friend just like that."

"Well now, sometimes you just have to deal with it," Aizen replied.

"Okay, another one for Ichimaru, have you been secretly dating Aizen?" Ichimaru lifted his eyebrows with a slightly surprised look while poor Aizen, who had just been sipping some orange juice, spat it out directly at the audience.

"What the-? Where do you get this information!" Aizen hollered.

"It's just Matsumoto," Ishida replied smugly.

"I knew something wrong was going to happen," Aizen thought again.

Suddenly backstage a loud voice was heard that sounded oddly like the 10th division captain, "Matsumoto!"

"Oh, Matsumoto. Did she really say that?" Ichimaru sighed. "Well actually Matsumoto and I are dating, not Aizen."

And again a loud voice screamed, "MATSUMOTO, I'LL KILL YOU!" At that exact moment, Matsumoto came forth from stage right, running with her hands covering her head and making for stage left as fast she could with… Hitsugaya hot on her heels.

"Get back here Matsumoto! I'll kill you for dating my arch nemesis!" Hitsugaya yelled while swinging Hyourinmaru in the air.

"I'm sorry taichou, really, I am!" Matsumoto wailed. At that moment a fangirl from the audience managed to break free and attempted to glomp Hitsugaya and managed to attach herself onto the captain.

"Oh fangirl, I shall always remember you!" Matsumoto shouted back and used the fangirl's bought time and ran off.

"You won't get away! And you get off!" Hitsugaya called after her, throwing off the fangirl and chucking her back into the crowd. Finally finished, he brushed off some invisible dust and continued his trek to find his arch nemesis's date.

"Ah well, love goes far en wide," Ichimaru sighed yet again.

"That's absolutely horrifying," Ishida panted.

"No."

And once again, Aki and Icki motioned to each other and Icki held up the sign that said, '**BREAK TIME**'.

"Oh well, I guess as of right now, we have no more time but tune in next time with another special guest, our favorite Hanatarou of 4th division!" Ishida clapped. "And will this pair please make it to the front row."

"Sorry, but we gotta make it back to Hueco Mundo," Ichimaru grinned, "else the other shinigamis'll come and grab us." Ichimaru waved as Aizen made to the back of the stage. "Bye-bye!"

(Badger, Badger, Badger, Badger, Mushroom, Mushroom)

K/F: Okay, now that we're done with episode 2. Episode 3'll be a blast! Don't forget to R&R. Keep those cookies coming!  
Again R&R!


	3. Ep 3 Flower Boy

K/F: Okay peoples, thanks for all the reviews that I've been getting, and I hope that you will keep them coming. And yes, Urahara and Byakuya will come in later. The title of this is **Shinigami's Interview** therefore; all who were or are still shinigami get on this show. Isshin? Maybe, but we'll have to vote on it. If he does get on the show, he'll be near the end, but I'm not sure if I would be able to dedicate a full chapter to him.

If you've been hearing any rumors about Hitsu-kun, then they're probably true. That's all I'll say. If you have no idea what I'm talking about. SEARCH! No, just kidding. And on with Episode 3!  
Grand Disclaimer: Nuh-uh.

(Badger, Badger, Badger, Badger, Mushroom, Mushroom)

"So, what happened to your Ferrari? I mean, it's all beat up and stuff," Ichigo asked, again backstage.

"A couple of gangsters beat it up. And then they ran away when I brandished my sewing needles. They were probably scared at my threat," Ishida replied proudly.

"Anyone would be scared to see a male dork hold up sewing needles," Ichigo retorted.

A crash was heard as Icki started to mercilessly whack off all fan girls that attempted to climb up the studio stage. One of her hands was holding the mic stick whacking fan girls while the other hand was holding a sign that read, "**DIE**". Aki was with her camera drinking green tea, calmly unaware of the disaster going on onstage. Good thing the camera wasn't running. Looking at her watch she snapped to Icki while she finished off all the remaining fans and held up another sign that said "**Get onstage B4 things get ugly.**"

Happy to comply, everyone returned to their respective places and Ishida got onstage to do his welcoming speech.

"Alright everyone, welcome back to **Shinigami's Interview** with Yamada Hanatarou of the 4th division!" As usual, clapping ensued. Ishida then cleared his throat, "Okay, now we will just get on with-"

But Ishida never had time to continue, for a loud 'THUD' was heard on the speakerphones followed by the high pitched dinging noise from the speakers being too close to the mic which was also followed by a high pitched squeal of delight. Seconds later Hanatarou found himself getting squeezed to death by none other than the mic holder, Icki. Backstage, Aki was clutching her ears after she was finished removing the headphones.

"Oh my gosh! He's so CUUUUUUUUUTE! And I get to hug him because I'm the mic holder!" Icki squealed in a voice loud enough to contact the UFOs. In the front row Ichigo covered his ears while hollering, "You are so right! When she talks she IS loud."

"Icki, get your tushie back here with the mic and let's continue with the show. I promise you will get to hug him later," Aki said dragging Icki back by her collar.

"Phew, now that that's settled, we can get back to the show," Ishida said, sitting down followed by Hanatarou.

"All right, now Hanatarou, you seem pretty clean. No grime to flush out whatsoever so we'll just have to-"

"Oh, of course I'm clean. I take a shower every morning and evening as is common practice of the 4th squad," Hanatarou answered happily, clueless to the real meaning of the statement.

"No, that's not what I meant but, oh, I have one. Do you have a crush on your captain, Unohana-taichou?"

"Crush? Why would I ever even _want_ to hurt, much less crush, Unohana-taichou?" Hanatarou asked, utterly horrified.

"No, no! Crush as in do you like her," Ishida tried to correct himself.

"Of course I do!" Hanatarou said brightening up altogether, "I like her as every subordinated should like their captain!"

"Wha-?" Ishida smacked his forehead, "Do you love your captain then?"

"I love her because she's like a mother to me," Hanatarou answered, still not getting the point of all Ishida's questions.

"Oh boy. Look kid, do you like your captain like a girlfriend?"

"But, I'm a boy!"

Ishida smacked his head once more, but gave in to giving up on the subject and tried a new approach.

"So Hanatarou, are you a virgin?"

"Huh? What's a virgin? Isn't that like a constellation?"

"Um no, that's Virgo you fool."

"Oh really? I never knew!" Hanatarou exclaimed.

"Okay, then, well, recently, there have been rumors flying around. Is there anything going on between you and Shiba Ganju?" Ishida asked, hoping to hit a weak spot.

"Ganju? Oh nothing is going on between us. We're just gangsters," Hanatarou happily said.

Silence.

"Ok, well, do you know of anything, 'cause my Ferrari got totally beat up by these gangsters this morning."

"Oh that's funny. Because this morning we beat up this dork's Ferrari and he started flinging around sewing needles and we thought that guy was wrong in the mind so we left him be. But, he looked a lot like… you." Hanatarou paused with sudden realization. "Oh, so it _was_ you wasn't it? Uh oh, GANJU!" Hanatarou yelled. Immediately after, a sandy hole appeared behind them and Ganju rode out of the hole on a boar, grabbed Hanatarou and ran. Before that happened Ishida said, "Gangsters don't ride boars."

Hanatarou just answered, "Boar riding is cool! Much better that those metal bikes!" and rode away from the studio.

"Security, after them!" shouted Ishida, flinging his arms forth. As ten security guard people ran after them Ishida brought up a radio from out of nowhere and began to turn the dials. Turning it on to the loudest volume the entire conversation between Ganju and Hanatarou was heard by the whole audience. You see, when Ishida made security go after the duo, he shot a bugging device. How, we'll never know.

_Outside the studio w/ Hanatarou and Ganju:_

"Hey Ganju, what's a virgin?" Hanatarou asked suddenly.

"What the-? Kid, you should just ask your mommy when you get back home," Ganju replied.

"But the only person that I would consider as my mom would be Unohana-taichou."

"Then ask her."

There was a pause, and then, "Ganju, are _you_ a virgin?" asked Hanatarou innocently.

Pulling the boar to a complete stop, Ganju answered, "Actually, not really. Mine was shattered with the coming of Yoroichi-san."

"Oh, so that means that when you meet a girl for the first time then you're not a virgin?"

"No, no. You know how Yoroichi-san is really good friends with my sis right? Well I always thought she was a cat until that day," Ganju shuddered at the thought.

"Oh so that means you lose your virginity when you like to fight?"

"Uh, no. Well, um, Hanatarou, just ask your captain. Males are not fit to ask or answer the question of virginity unless they are gender-confused or have recently lost points in manliness," Ganju said, relieved that he could get off the subject.

"Fine," and another long pause followed. "Ganju?"

"Yes?" Ganju waited tensely.

"What's that silver thing on your shoulder?"

"Huh?" looking at his right shoulder he saw a circular silver thing and realized what it was. "What the-? They've been bugging us!" He crushed the mini-mic and let its remains fall to the ground. Then the two rode off into the distance again.

Both flung their hands into the air, waved back at the pursuing security guards and yelled, "We will conquer the Donut Peoples!" Then they ripped off their outer garb to reveal the gangster clothing beneath.

_Back at the studio:_

Over the radio, everyone heard Ganju's last comment before the connection was lost. They all silently agreed that Hanatarou was more than meets the eye, but was definitely too innocent to be gangster.

Straightening up Ishida took up his usual spot in the center of the studio.

"Ah well, at least we heard their little conversation!" smiled Ishida brightly, "and stay tune later for another episode of **Shinigami's Interview** with the vice captain of the 11th division, Yachiru!"

(Badger, Badger, Badger, Badger, Mushroom, Mushroom)

K/F: And here comes the end of another chapter. Five reviews before the next. It's okay, if you burnt the cookies. ANYWAY, don't think that just because the people interviewed aren't onstage that they won't come back later. Oh they will. They will. I'm getting wickeder with each coming chapter. Hehe. Here, decipher the following words and it'll give you a clue to one of the chapter's that are to come. This'll be easy but they'll get a little bit harder to decipher later.

Ikaraz Atsgnag.

Because I let Icki hug Hana-kun, I'll let you fans get to hug someone too! If you want to hug 'em then you'd be in the audience. Before, after, or during your favorite character's interview you get to hug someone. However I can only allow three hugs per character per chapter.

R&R!


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